dont you all realise that the only thing that's keeping me from being emo is audi ?
i'm like dependent on it all the time .
even though i dont want to be .
without it , i swear i'd just crack .
it's horrible .
everytime i attend it ,
i just want to curl up in a corner and not talk to anyone .
just block everyone out .
but no , i've got to have responsibility .
everything's weighing down so hard .
school's a bore . with teachers rushing to complete the syllabus .
if we arent in the mood to study , why force us to ?
at least ms g realised that .
i'll miss you when you leave . ):

i pretty much get obsessive over something very easily .
that means either jdramas or computer games .
maybe it's just my way of 'protecting' myself .
because if i dont immerse myself in something ,
for all i know , i'm really going to split apart like how Bella felt .

shit .
how can i be feeling this just 7 days away .
i beg someone , anyone , please dont stress me out anymore .
i want FUN .
the only balance i'm getting is the daily dose of audi .
it's probably because i get to talk to people in a lighthearted atmosphere .
and i've got a goal in front of me too .
i've told mt already , my goal is to reach lv 26 by 31st december 2007 .
call me obsessive .
call me childish .
call me stupid .
call me idiotic .
call me retarded .
call me dumb .
call me a moron .
i still want to be a Back Up .
why ?
because now , it's what i'm proud of .
and just the same , i'm proud of my maths .
and i'll excel in it again next year .
should i be taking things lightly now ?
i want to .
but i'm afraid everything will go out of hand .
so , in my current state of mind , i'm thinking wtf ? i look like an angel ?
when maybe in a laidback way , i'd be thinking yay , deception of innocence :D
but no , i'm sorry .
i cant offer you that state of mind now .
i'm struggling to even pull myself together to face the world .
everything's really changing drastically .
for the 14 years of my existence the place i call home could be enbloc-ed .
and because of that , i'll be moving to a new place .
not that i dont like the place that we've found ,
i love it . really . seriously .
i even cried when my dad was trying to fool me that we didnt get the place .
everything's different now ..
this wonderful place , home really , is no longer what i envision in my adolescent mind at the age of a primary schooler , or a kindergartener .

the change all starts with the pond .
let's analyse this .
taking the pond as a symbol of clarity and peaceful tranquility , the construction works on it destroyed the calm and peace it once portrayed . artificial rocks replace the natural ones , for fear that children might play on those rough edges and fall off , thus hurting themselves . this takes the element of thrill away , making it mellow and boring . the pond seems to be bland now , even the frogs do not seem to be around that area anymore . the place of youth which many a time i have gone to with my friends has clearly been destroyed . what remember of our home is not the present , but the past . this is a past i will dearly cling to , because it was the carefree life . where all that lived in the pond coexisted harmoniously . even the path to the islet in the middle of the pond was .. fun . now it has vanished , as though the trail to Utopia has been brutally removed . is fun a crime ? does safety override fun ? compare them . how much fun can you compromise for safety ? you have practically taken away the light of your own children's youthful years . for safety ? i'd rather get hurt many more times than to give up my memories . look at the scars on my legs that i've garnered over the years . it's these things that allow us to remember . it's these things that keep us whole . fun is an essential part of our lives . linking it back to the pond , we shall take the element , Fun , as the tadpoles . small and elusive . but now look , none of them are found there anymore . only a meagre one or two during the breeding season when there are actually supposed to be fifty , sixty even ! what has been done to this place ? the juxtaposition of the islet presently compared to it's past . it may have seemed to be just an unruly bunch of trees and ferns , but children did enjoy making their way over the stepping stones and hiding in them . the clump of sugar cane in the middle was definitely enticing . now ? everything has been barred from grasp . the whole islet does not even have an inch of space for children to step on it . if this situation could be amplified further , i'm sure this would be against some human rights . but no , everything is clouded over for safety reasons . i shall let this case drop , and move on in my life without so much a thought for the present , and ruined , state of the pond . what remains will be the pond's past , the highlight of it's time . this way , maybe what has been in my life will continue to coexist harmoniously again . instead of being two magnets of the like-side next to each other .

;melissa